On Tuesday, March 30, the United States Food and Drug Administration (FDA) released a new and shocking phenomenon. Elmer’s Ò School Glue is good for you.
Yes, you heard right. The secret indulgence of many elementary school children has been deemed healthy and beneficial to a person’s everyday diet.
“After doing many different time-consuming and tedious experiments we have determined that Elmer’s Ò School Glue has many health benefits,” said Dr. Irene Gangle author of The Silly Things Kids Eat. “In accordance with a 2,000 calorie diet and moderate exercise, it is recommended that one eat 2-3 servings of Elmer’s Ò School Glue a day.”
In the past, Elmer’s Ò has put “non-toxic” on their labels for the school glue.
“We’re working on all new labels for the product and are even looking into changing the name,” said Elmer’s Ò CEO Aaron Elmer. “We’d like to have the new product on shelves in every major grocery and convenience store in the United States by the end of next month.”
Along with changes to the name and labeling of Elmer’s Ò School Glue, Elmer’s Ò has been working on developing new products that play with taste, texture and mode of ingestion. “We’re currently working on a ‘glueberry’ flavored ice cream,” said Elmer. “’Glueberry’ is one of our many new flavors including ‘gluebelgum’ and ‘peanut butter and ‘gel’y.’ We have also added a butter supplement to our product list called ‘I can’t believe it’s not glutter.’”
“We’re very sympathetic to those who were never big fans of the sticky white stuff,” said Barbara Finigin, Elmer’s Ò Nutrition scientist. “We’re presently running clinical tests on a new school glue pill that will ensure everyone gets the correct dietary amounts of Elmer’s Ò School Glue a day.”
Students at Bemidji State University (BSU) have been buzzing with information about the new dietary trend.
“I’ve been eating Elmer’s Ò School Glue since I was a little kid,” said senior Accounting major Elizabeth Ledford. “I was thrilled to hear that it is actually beneficial to my health and I won’t have to hide it from anyone anymore.”
“I can’t wait until I can use ‘Beaver Bucks’ to buy Elmer’s Ò products in the C3 stores,” said freshman Social Work major and Oak Hall Council President Tara Bender. “It’s a health food that I will actually enjoy eating.”
Student Senate will also be doing a campaign to promote healthy living in the dorms making the new health fad a large part of their message.
“We want people to know what they’re putting into their bodies,” said Co-President of Student Senate Andrew Spaeth. “Having Elmer’s Ò School Glue and its affiliated products on campus will really make the University a safe and health conscious environment.”
Walnut Hall will also be making a few new additions to their permanent menu. ‘Glueberry’ soft-serve ice cream will always be available upon request and ‘I can’t believe it’s not glutter’ will be placed next to their assortment of flavored butters.
Need to stock up on this old but newly discovered snack? Go to your local craft, or C3 store or an even better more cost efficient option, Sam’s Club in Hermantown, Minn., to pick up a case of the “good stuff” and enjoy your April Fools Day treat.
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